Diablo 3 — комедия в 4 актах

На форумах Blizzard откопалось прекрасное — пользователь Caore вдоволь поиздевался над очевидной никчемностью сценария Diablo 3, которым уже наслаждаются 6.3 миллиона ностальгирующих.

First off: i wrote this because I was bored and somehow wanted to vent my frustration about the story in a creative way that would bring joy to some people. if you genuinely like the story, don’t read this. Or go ahead and and read it, but be prepared to have a jab or twenty taken against Diablo III’s writing. It’s over the top, live with it ;-).
You have been warned.

edit: Finished all acts, changed the title to something a bit more snappy.

A blue meteor falls from the sky. Blue! Magics! Let’s investigate!
So the Player goes to have a look. Don’t ask why exactly, he’s the hero. It’s what heroes do.

Townspeople/Guards/everybody: “Gosh, those are mad fighting skillz! I bet he’s a nephalem!”
Leah: “Hi there, I’m Leah. Deckard’s gone. But he’s my uncle, so that makes me important. Search by the meteor, because he was two feet from its impact when I last saw him. I’m sure he’s fine, though. Also, My mom is Adria and my dad is the Dark Wanderer. I’m totally not going to morph into Diablo when you last suspect it. Only, now you totally suspect it. Eh, don’t matter, you will act totally surprised, kay?”
Player: “Whatever. So, Deckard is where the meteor is? How fortuitously coincidental! Two zombies with one explosion.”

Player finds Deckard Cain.
Player: “Hey Cain, what up with that meteor?”
Deckard: “I have no idea, and apparently no brain. Nah, just kidding, it’s old age.”
Player: “So it’s Tyrael, right?”
Deckard: “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Player: “Go on, admit it, it’s obvious. That blue is blue like those angel wingies. And it fell from the sky. You know, sky like: Heaven with a capital H.”
Deckard: “Why don’t you get out of my hair and kill that Skeleton King?”
Player: “Why?”
Deckard: “Because he makes old players happy, and adds more suspense before you find out what that mysterious meteor is about!”
Player: “I told you, it’s Tyrael. Wanna bet?”
Deckard: “Leoric still drops phat loot.”
Player: “That’s what I’m talking about!”

Player goes out on a MacGuffin hunt to kill Leoric, finds the impact of the meteor and Tyrael.
Player: “Sup Tyrael! Where’s your wings?”
Tyrael: “I’m not Tyrael. I’m a mysterious stranger. I am so mysterious, in fact, that I conveniently have forgotten who I am!”
Player: “Dude, look, you’re Tyrael. You’re one of the Archangels or whatever, and you fell from the sky. Obviously, something is going on there…”
Tyrael: “I am a mysterious stranger. Who is this Tyr-Boy you keep jabbering on?”
Player: “Fine. Be that way. Let’s get to Cain to sort you out.”

Deckard: “Look, a mysterious stranger who has forgotten who he is and can’t remember! Quick, to the MacGuffin mobile!”
Leah: “He wants to say that you need to find the three pieces of his sword. Somehow that will help him remember who he is. Possibly by letting us perform a lobotomy on him. I just didn’t say that, and I’m in no way going to be Diablo!”
Player: “… He’s Tyrael…”
Plucky group: “Whatever, go find the MacGuffin, those stories are not easy to write!”
Player: “Aw man, who the crazy one here?“
Group: “There’s loot!”
Player: “Okay, okay, I’m off. Besides, it’s sweet to pulverize whole columns by spitting at them.”

Player finds the first MacGuffin.
Maghda: “Hohoho, I’m the exposition fairy, and since you have no clue where to find the next MacGuffin, I will conveniently tell you, even though I want them myself. But what’s life without a little competition, eh?”
Player: “Are you the village idiot?”
Maghda: “Kill him!”
Player: “Whatever, see you at the next MacGuffin, exposition fairy.”
Along the way, the player and his posse meet a ghost.
Ghost. “Hohoho, I’m the exposi..”
Player: “Cut the chatter, we just met her. Who are you?”
Ghost: “Well, I’m just an extra. I’m meant to subtly tell you that you are special.”
Player: “I’m special? I would never have guessed what with all those MacGuffins around, people dodging my questions and fawning over me. Does that strike you as slightly schizophrenic?”
Ghost: “As what? Hey, I’m an extra, not a shrink. Listen, I’m paid for this by the line, so here goes. Are you ready?”
Player: “Sure, give it your best shot. Surprise me!”
Ghost: “Well, see, in order to get to the next MacGuffin, you need to get into that temple here.”
Player: “So?”
Ghost: “Well, only Nephalem may enter. That’s made-up for “totally really special”. Anyhow, you need two other MacGuffins for that.”
Player: “Sure, that’s what I’m here for. Collecting loot and running idiotic errands.”
Ghost: “Hey, getting those MacGuffins will prove that you’re Nephalem!”
Player: “That sure was subtle…”

Player collects those other MacGuffins, enters temple.
Ghost: “HoooohoooohoOoOOooOO. You sure are totally special! You’re so powerful, so gracious, so beautiful!”
Ghost: “So, how was that for subtly getting the message across?”
Player: “Well, let me put it this way: I can see why you’re an extra. Now, let’s wait for the exposition fairy. She’ll be along any minute now.”
Maghda: “Suprise! My mighty coven will now totally destroy you before you get your hands on the MacGuffin!”
Player: “Do they at least drop decent loot?”
Maghda: “No, silly. They’re only there so it doesn’t look like I’m letting you win. And to prove that, I will not tell you where the last MacGuffin is!”
Player: “Fine. I’m sure that won’t be a problem for long. What do you need that thing for anyhow?”
Maghda: “How should I know? I didn’t write the plot. My character sheet says: “Tries to keep player from MacGuffins, but fails. I’ll improvise something with wanting its power, okay?”
Maghda: “Wait a minute. Fails?”
Player: “I’m sure you’ll have a twist around the last MacGuffin so it doesn’t become too much of a suckage for you. And more entertaining for me. How about you capture some of those dwerps in New Tristram that just stand around uselessly, passing the idiot ball from one to another?”
Leah: “I heard that!”
Player: “Shush, you’re gonna be the big evil anyhow, it’s not as if you need to care. Plus, you’re always trailing me when nothing in particular is happening.”
Maghda: “To the story mobile!”

Leah: “I just remembered where that last MacGuffin might have fallen. Let’s take a look!”
Player: “I didn’t see that coming at all. Also, see that straight face? Botox all the way, baby.”
Maghda: “I laugh in your face, successful hero! Even though you got all the other MacGuffins, you will not get the last.”
Player: “Don’t you get tired of saying that only to see how your forces get their asses handed to them?”
Maghda: “Well, yeah. But it’s in my contract.”
Player. “Just like the story twist you will unleash on me in a minute?”
Maghda: “It’s a standard contract, what can I do?”
Leah: “I’m going to check on Deckard. Since they took out Identify as game mechanic, he’s been increasingly worried they’ll kill him off for a cheap moment.”
Player: “Damn that Maghda! If she kills off Deckard, he can’t pay his debt when I show him that Tyreal’s Tyrael! Devious!”

Maghda kills off Deckard, but her forces get in turn killed by Leah unleashing some unspecified evilly-dark power. Since story rules require a character of Deckard Cains stature to have a heroic sacrifice, he gets the next best thing: In his dying moment, he glues together Tyrae… the Stranger’s Sword.
Deckard: “Dude, that’s Tyrael’s sword. I’m totally surprised. I am done!”
Player: “Maghdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Leah: “I’m sure Tyrael remembers everything now. But of course Maghda has had him abducted while you stood there like an oil painting. Why did you do nothing?”
Player: «It was a freaking cut-scene. i can’t move in those.»
Leah: «Well, that’s just stupid.»
Player: “Let’s slash through a few zones padding the first Act out!”

Maghda: “Did you like that exposition on Leoric and how evil he was?”
Player. “You know, that might have had more impact on me if I had known that before I killed him a few hours ago…”
Maghda: “Well, to make up for your disappointment, you won’t get to fight me, but we have another old acquaintance: Meet the sandvi… Err, I mean: The Butcher!”
Player: “Hey, you know, it’s nice that you remembered all those old bosses from fifteen years back, but I kinda feel you’re desecrating their memories…”
Butcher: “Freshly met! Also, don’t stand in the fire! You know, it’s funny because it’s half a meme in WoW.”
Player: “Just die already.”

Tyrael: «I remember everything. To the story mobile!»

edit: slightly rewrote that last part, since I did remember incorrectly ;-).

Act II

Player: “Ah, fresh air. Finally. Kinda reminds me of the Act II in Diablo II. Also desert. And the first act was medieval European style. I hope it’s not jungle for the third. I really don’t miss those flayers.”
Tyrael: “Well, Belial’s here, so expect to be dazzled by his expert hiding skills. He’s the Lord of Lies for a reason!”
Player. “Well, I did get that the emperor was acting strangely. Wanna bet he reveals himself to be Belial?”
Tyrael: “Don’t be silly. That would be idiotic.”
Player: “That’s what I’m saying!”
Tyreal: “Anyhow, we’re here so that you can finish off that Maghda, that still is your first priority.”
Player: “Well, if Belial is here, wouldn’t it be better if I disposed of him first? I mean, he’s a hell Lord and all that.”
Tyrael: “Well, we would have to have a soulstone to capture his essence. We don’t have one. So until someone shows up to point us at one, you’ll have to go with the side-story.”
Player: “Well, I sure smell another boss battle with great loot.”
RandomNPC: “Also, the Coven has blocked all roads. Kill Maghda to unblock them.”
Player. “Now, that’s what I call properly railroading me!”

Enchantress: “Hi, I’m a sidekick! Also, you will need me to find Maghda’s Lair!”
Player: “You sure are conveniently placed. But that seems to be more of a rule around here.”
Enchantress: “Well, I was created by the Prophet who foresaw that you needed me.”
Player: “So you’re like a Dea Ex Machina?”
Enchantress: “That, too. But you needed a third sidekick to complete the rule of three. You have the warrior and rogue, and you still needed a mage. So here I am!”
Player: “is there someone counting up all cliches with a check list? Hello?!”

Maghda: “Suprise! I’m still taunting you with generic evilness!”
Player: “Shut up already!”
Maghda: “Hey, I’m the boss that’s eluding you. Show some respect!”
Player: “I’d show some respect if you got rid of that routine of taunting me and leading me on. You know I’ll get you in the end, so why keep taunting me?”
Maghda: “I told you…”
Player. “It’s in the contract, yeah. Still, do you have to do this quite so much?”
Maghda: “Don’t worry, you’re almost there. All your clues are on your way to me. Now get to my Lair and pick up your loot.”

Player: “Fine, roadblock’s removed. What next? Isn’t Adria supposed to show up now so that we can get to hunting the MacGuffin in order to imprison Belial?”
Tyrael: “Oh no! You need to warn the emperor that he’s surrounded by lies and deceit! You know that because those Royal guards were really demons!”
Player: “Am I the only one who figured out that Belial’s the emperor?”
Tyrael: “He’s not! You have no proof.”
Player. “It’s obvious. But yeah, I have no proof. And I suppose you’re right, it’s too obvious. The Lord of Lies is too devious for that. He’s like an Eminence Grise, pulling the strings from the shadows. Impersonating the emperor would be majorly dumb.”
Player: “Hey, Emperor, you’re surrounded by lies and deceit. ”
Emperor: “How dare you? Guards, throw the into the deepest pits of hell! Erm, I mean, deal with them. I’m off.”

Player gets attacked by the guards, who really are demons.
Leah: “Let’s flee through the sewers! It’s like Lut Gholein, players will love it!”
Player: “Will we? When does Adria finally show up? I wonder how we will capture Belial’s essence now that the world stone is gone. Perhaps they come up with some cache of soulstones that were only recently discovered? Nah, too obvious.”
Emperor: “I am surrounded by deceit, but now I can totally help you!”
Player: “Likely. How did you escape your guards?”
Emperor: “I can’t think of a good lie, so I’ll just skirt around the issue. It’s not like the Lord of Lies or anything.”
Player: “Uh-huh.”
Emperor: “But I shall find out who Belial is. I have my suspicions.”
Player: “I’m sure you do.”
Emperor: “And now I shall help you on your quest of vanquishing me. I mean, Belial. See how devious I am? Helping you against me? Perfect disguise, and can in no way backfire!”

Adria: “I am free!”
Leah: “Does nobody worry about my dark powers?”
Player: “What up, Adria? So, tell us, how do we imprison that Belial fellow?”
Adria: “Well, it’s a black soulstone, but it’s not that easy.”
Player: “You have no idea.”
Adria lays out the plan to revive Zoltan Kulle. A major MacGuffin hunt ensues.

Emperor: “Look, I’m still here to help you as a hologram!”
Player: “So, how are you able to appear this way?”
Emperor: “I stole some amulet from Belial.”
Player: “Really.”
Emperor: “Totally! Well, I think it’s Belial, but I don’t know exactly. But I will.”
Player: “I get the sinking feeling that Belial is dumber than I think.”

Zoltan Kulle: “I have betrayed my brethren in search for power, but now I’m totally trustworthy. I will give you your black soulstone.”
Adria: “He’s totally trustworthy.”
Player: “Well, he certainly makes for a nice boss fight. And since we have no other choice to further the plot…”
Zoltan Kulle: “With my body now intact, I betray you!”
Player: “We were one boss fight short, so that works out alright.”

Adria. “Sweet, we have the soulstone, but it’s flawed. Leah, you can control it!”
Leah: “Huh?”
Adria: “You think that your dark powers were foreshadowing something? Never. I just trained you because I foresaw this situation and in no way had it planned whatsoever!”
Leah: “And who do you think is buying that?”
Adria: “You all are. Otherwise, the story wouldn’t play out.”
Leah. “Okay, I’ll control the soulstone with my dark powers.”
Player. “Great that’s settled. I’m scheduling a sudden betrayal right around the time we’ve imprisoned the last Evil, okay?”
Adria: “Fits perfectly into my schedule.”
Leah: “What about me?!”

All: “Shut up, you’re not important! You’re a story device, not a character!”
Player: “Now let’s get to killing Belial.”

Player (to Emperor): «Sup, Belial?»
Belial: “How did you know? You must have uncanny intellect and reasoning!”
Player: “I really wish you wouldn’t have said that. Riker? Picard?! Assemble your crew. We’ll need all their palms!”
Belial: «I am undone.»

Player: “Ah, back at Mount Arreat. At least it’s no jungle.”
Adria: “I’m still totally trustworthy!”
Asmodan: “Hey, player-hero, I will crush you!”
Player: “You did notice that I curb-stomped everything in my path so far, including Belial? Also, ‘player-hero’ is uncool. It’s Nephalem for you.”
Asmodan: “I don’t need a shred of common sense to taunt you!”
Player: “Apparently.”
RandomNPC: “We’re getting overrun by Asmodan’s army. HALP!”
Asmodan: “See?”
Player: “You realize that this only nets me XP and better weapons?”
Asmodan: “Lalala, I can’t hear you!”
Player: “Oh well, where’s the slayage?”
Random NPC gets hacked into pieces.
Player: “It’s nice when the action comes to you.”
Player: “And before I storm off to hack demons into pulp: Adria, don’t worry, Asmodan just taunted me personally, which means you’re quite safe from discovery until we’ve sealed him in. We should call it ‘Act Three: This time, it’s personal!”
Adria: “Yeah, yeah, go ahead and make that overgrown pustule weep for his mother…thing. I still find it remarkable that no-one, including mighty Tyrael here, noticed that with one soulstone to hold all evils, we have the perfect tools to release them all into one host… Heh, speaking of tools…”

Player: “I have thwarted your attack, Asmodan!”
Asmodan: “Damn you! I mean, erm: It doesn’t matter! I still taunt you with my hologram, because I can!”
Player: “Well, it’s nice to see you as you, I guess. Belial being so small somehow didn’t do it for me. Though you really should polish those mandibles better. Are those mandibles?”
RandomNPC: “Go help us throw Asmodan’s forces back!”
Player: “Aw, doesn’t that mean less slaughter for me? I kinda like throwing demons off battlements.”
RandomNPC: “Not to worry. Although you evidently are Asmodan’s personal nemesis, he won’t send forces after you to specifically kill you. You’ll still be able to just slaughter playfully through the battlements while me and my brethren die beside you without really having impacted the fight.”
Player: “Isn’t Asmodan supposed to be a master strategist? Or is that an informed ability? You know, everyone always says ‘Oooh, he’s so good at that!’, but you never get to see it? I mean, he could just finish me off by focusing on me – it’s not like I’m immune to a zerg rush…”
RandomNPC: “But that would be unfair!”
Player: “It’s good to know that hell plays by the rules, isn’t it?”

Asmodan: “Puny human, I laugh in the face of your success!”
Player: “You know, you do sound a lot like Maghda. Standardized contract?”
Asmodan: “I will destroy you with my evilness!”
Player: “You sure ham your role up. Props to that.”
RandomNPC: “The master strategist just invaded our larder!”
Player: “Where’s Picard and Riker when you need a double facepalm?”
RandomNPC: “The who for what, Milord?”
Asmodan: “The larder was merely a setback!”
Player: “Oh, come on. We’re down to stupid shout-outs now?”
Asmodan: “You succeed and succeed. But as any master strategist like myself knows, those who succeed fail in the end!”
Player: “if you repeat it often enough, you’ll believe it…”
Asmodan: “Puny human! I am the evil master strategist and I show it by frontal assault with no vanguard and a demon in the larder. Fear my cunningivity!”
Player: “Now you’re making !@#$ up. Time to take the fight to you, if only to shut you up. Nothing personal, really. Besides, I can see the family resemblance to Belial.”
Asmodan: “Are you mocking me? ARE YOU MOCKING ME?! I tankrushed hundreds of noobs in C&C, I’ll have you know!”
Player: “Actually, that explains quite a lot. Up for a game of Stratego?”
Asmodan: “RAWR!”
Player. “I’ll say.”

Spider-Lady: “Hi, I’m Maghda’s Stand-in. You know, that wasn’t very nice of you to off her…”
Player: “Aw, come on, another one of you tinkerbells just showing up from time to time and taunting me with the very-same drivel?”
Spider-Lady: “It’s cheesy, isn’t it? Still, it’s a job, even if I have to abseil from the ceiling in that ridiculous costume…”
Player: “Anything to make the employers happy, I guess.”
Spider-Lady: “Alrighty, then. Cower from my spider-shaped fearitude!”
Player: “Who wrote that crud?”
Spider-Lady. “Look, I have boobs! I shall seduce you. That’s my role, you know? I’m the embodiment of Sin.”
Player: “Ah, I see. The embodiment of Sin has to be a woman. Not that I’m white-knighting for women’s rights here, but what if I was a gay monk?”
Spider-Lady: “What do I know? Everyone knows that boobs are the embodiment of Sin!”
Player: “Look, Lady, I’m not trying to step on your parade here, but personally? I’m a sucker for sweets. Can’t you be a doughnut or something? I hear gluttony is pretty much frowned upon in many religions.”
Spider-Lady: “But how would that look? A doughnut dangling from the ceiling, taunting you to eat it?”
Player: “Pretty tempting, to be honest. It sure would beat those short spiels you all are doing to hammer in how utterly evil you are.”

Spider-Lady: “I’m evil. And bad. I am badevil!”
Player: “Look, I get it. How much further before I can beat you up for annoying me?”
Spider-Lady: “Bevil! Badam-badam!”
Player: “Pretty please? Those stairs make me nauseous. I have to give it to you, though. Those giant gimps make one hell of a decoration. Where did you get them?”
Spider-Lady: ”Evilbad? Oh, sorry, got carried away there. It’s three more appearances, then we fight, but I will disentangle myself from our little dance after a while.”
Player: “Aw, come on! I have Asmodan to kill, and then my schedule is busy with Adria betraying me and everybody going emo over Leah being the Prime Evil. Soul-Searching and so on!”
Spider-Lady: “It’s in the contract, dear. I’m so sorry.”

After some more stairs and abseilings, the player defeats the Lady-Spider. Finally.
Player: “Hey, Asmodan, still up for a game of Parcheesi?”
Asmodan: “You continue to seal your defeat by succeeding! Also, look at my spiffy hologram… again!”
Player: “Yeah, yeah, it’s getting old. So, how will the Master Strategist defeat me?”
Asmodan: “Well, now that you mention it, I was going to send my minions against you in carefully measured waves until you reach me and then we duke it out.”
Player: “Sounds like a plan. But please for the love of Rolling Initiative, could you please refrain from taunting me again? Or at least learn some new lines or insults.”
Asmodan: “Wasn’t in the budget. You’re almost here anyhow.”
The player wipes the floor with Asmodan (check!), and is ordered to the Victory Celebration (double-check!).

Player (to himself): “Finally, time to get betrayed. I can’t wait to see how the others react to Leah being the Big Evil One!”
Adria: “I betray you!”
Leah: “I am Diablo Prime! Act surprised! Please?!”
Player: “Curse you, sudden yet inevitable betrayal!”
Leahblo: “Thanks, I owe you big time!”
Adria: “You’ve been waiting to say that for some time now, haven’t you?”
Player. “I’ve been working on that line ever since Leah told me you were her mother. Hey, was that really necessary to tell her that the Dark Wanderer was King Leoric’s other son?”
Adria: “Well, being knocked up by a dark prince sounds better than ‘hey sweetie, your father was a player from a previous incarnation of this game.”
Player: “Ah, I see. So it’s utterly pointless, but sounds cheesier?”
Adria: “Mmmm, cheese!”
Player. “You know, in the first game, you did everything to help the player vanquish Diablo. You came across as a benevolent, misunderstood character. If I had to ask you why you did it… what would you tell your mother with a straight face?”
Adria: “hey, I didn’t write this cra…crayon! With crayon! And now I’m off! See you in the expansion!”
Player: «Curses. I wanted to ask her how and when she managed to imprison all the other souls in that thing. I mean, I only killed Belial and Azmodan. There are at least five other she had to get from somewhere…»
Diablo: “And I’m off to devastate Heaven for a bit. Those guys are real stuck-up up there. Time to knock them down a peg.”
Player: “You could have finished me off here and now. You know I have to go after you, that game is not named ‘Diablo’ for no reason.”
Diablo: “Well, hell plays by the rules. And rules say one Hell Lord-Boss per Act max. See you around in a bit. And don’t let Tyrael see how much fun it is to slap Angels around!”
Player: “Will do. Have fun up there! I’ll be enjoying the others freaking out over Leah’s change!”
Diablo vanishes in a portal.

Tyrael: “He’s slaying my brethren! All is lost.”
Player: “Erm… don’t you have anything to say about Leah?”
Tyrael: “Who?”
Player: “You know the chick that hung around with us for three acts? Whose uncle we cremated? By the way, her dealing with that loss could have made for a powerful story element. Shame someone forgot about it for the most part. She didn’t really have a whole lot of character development, but she was around.”
Tyrael: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Player: “You showed her how you sacrificed being an angel after she chewed you out that you couldn’t understand her loss of Deckard?”
Tyrael: “Hey, really, I have no idea who you are talking abo…”
Player: “Oh you gotta be kidding me! She was the one who held that idiotic black soulstone together for the better part of an act. She was the one whose dark power was clearly shown in Act I, yet nobody took up on it. After her mother showed up, you just took it in stride that she could control the black soulstone, and nobody mentioned anything odd?”
Tyrael: “My brethren are being slaughtered! I despair!”
Player: “Aw, come on. Am I supposed to tell you that you shouldn’t give in to despair?”
Tyrael: “The player told me to not give up hope! He’s better than angels! Praise be the player character!”
Player: “Seeing as how narrow-minded and vain Angels are portrayed, that’s hardly an achievement.”
Tryrael: “Let’s get to saving Angels, and show them that Humans are the superior race! Well, at least players. NPCs suck.”

Act IV

Player: “So, this is Heaven?”
Imperius: “It’s all your fault!”
Player: “You know, that comment is so teeth-grindingly off the mark, I don’t have a good retort. You know that?”
Imperius: “Hey, I’m just a flawed angel. And you’re the flawless player character come to save me. I can’t just show you that I’m grateful for your help. That would make my characterization as stuck-up, narrow-minded and utterly ungrateful too ambivalent. Players can’t fathom a character who has more than one defining trait, you know?”
Player: “Who told you that?”
Imperius: “Hey, Twilight is a successful series. And the writing is just brilliant!”
Player: “Now you’re taking that ‘I’m an idiot’ routine too far.”
Imperius: “Sorry. I’d say it’s in my contract, but you know that already, don’t you?”
Player: “Let’s just say my roomie now owes me ten bucks.”
Imperius: “Sorry. And also: If you decide to stick around, helping us fight off demons and all, I have to throw you off some bridge.”
Player: “Okay, okay, I really get it: You’re supposed to show me that angels are flawed. No need to go all Hell-Lord on me!”
Imperius: “That was uncalled for. I shall sulk now!”
Player (to Tyrael): “Somehow I more and more get why Diablo wanted to kick your asses so badly. Why do I help these guys again?”
Tyrael: “We’re angels! We’re the good guys!”
Player: “And still you’re just as bad as the hell lords.”
Tyrael: “Angels! We got the bright lights, the blue rivers and everything!”
Player: “So, let me get this straight: Your choice of color and architecture make you the good guys?”
Tyrael: “Plus, the game is named ‘Diablo’, and not ‘Imperius’!”
Player: “My head hurts. Why can’t I kill you both?”
Tyrael: “But I helped you!”
Player: “And you got demoted to lowly human for that decent action. But yeah, you do have a point. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Let’s go.”

Diablo: “I taunt you with my demonic voice!”
Player: “Oh come on! Not you, too!”
Diablo: “You shall not pass!”
Player: “They say that in repetition, madness lies.”
Diablo: “I am the Lord of Terror!”
Player: “Perhaps you should consider a change in vocation?”
Diablo: “Well, technically, I’m all the Lords.”
Player: “That explains your propensity to taunt me repeatedly for no reason.”
Diablo: “I am evil and shall destroy you with my wicked evilness of doom!”
Player: “Where’s an ignore list for demons when you need one?”
Tyrael: “Look, it’s Izual!”
Player: “Great. Didn’t I defeat him in Diablo II and release his soul at your request?”
Tyrael: “Huh?”
Player: “Yeah, I distinctly remember that. And now that I come to think of it: Deckard Cain was standing right beside you for days! How didn’t he recognize you after you crashed into Tristram Cathedral?”
Tyrael: “I wore a cowl.”
Player: “So you did ask me to release Izual’s spirit! Gotcha!”
Tyrael: “Look, Izual is here for the same reasons all the other known foes are there: So that the players feels a connection to the old games.”
Player: “But at the same time they retcon the old player’s actions? Like they did with that Aidan who suddenly was Leoric’s second son and defeated Diablo-under-Tristram only to become the Dark Wanderer?”
Tyreal: “Erm…”
Player: “Eff that big time. I’m going to punch Izual out now. I gotta take my frustration somewhere!”

Diablo: “I still taunt you! Also, I really am super-evil-like. I will now desecrate the MacGuffin!”
Player: “Whatever. Go ahead. I don’t care any more!”
Imperius: “I knew you’d stick around. Now I will kill you!”
Player: “Finally, do I get to kill Imperius? If ever there was an Angel that would become nicer upon being corrupted, he is him!”
Tyrael: “Don’t be an idiot. Angels are the good guys. He’s just acting that way to show you how superior you are for not being a dick like him.”
Player: “Well, they did succeed in me wanting to club his head in for sheer stupidity. I’m beginning to regret not siding with Zoltan. He got some things right!”
Diablo: “Shazzam! That’s what you get for your bickering! Hell’s all about the community!”
All angels are un-angeled by MacGuffin-power and conveniently unconscious. Or dead. I hope dead.

Player: “Diablo, you da man! I thought he’d never shut up!”
Diablo: “I told you, I owed you one.”
Player: “High-five!”
Tyrael looks disapproving.
Player: “Hey Tyr, you still up?”
Tyrael: “Sure, I’m not an angel anymore.”
Player looks to the skies.
Tyreal: “Huh?”
Player: “Nah, I’m just looking out for all the anvils dropping here. It’s another way to show me that humans and players in particular are better than angels?”
Tyrael: “Well, that, and we couldn’t have you punching an angel in the ‘nads for being a major jerk.”
Diablo: “That’s what we bad boys and gals are here for. And that’s why we have to taunt you for entire acts. So you have a reason to want to kill us.”
Player: “But I really don’t want to kill you, Diablo. It’s awesome what you did with that place here. I figure some giant gimps around would look spiffy. Also, those angels really had it coming!”
Diablo: “I’m sorry, but I have to insist that we fight to the death.”
Player: “Aw, man!”
Diablo: “You know the rules, player.”
Player: “…and Hell plays by the rules.”
Diablo: “Bring it on!”

Tyrael: “And thus it was proven that Evil was Bad. And Good was Good. And the player showed me that humans are the shizz, even though he’s a Nephalem, and not a human. So the anvil in this story is: Players are cool. Way better than angels. Granted, that’s not because angels are nice, but because they are total jerkwads. And I have seen the error of my ways and now am human all the way. Because humans are the mast… er… er… we all should strive to not be idiots, that’s it. That’s a nice conclusion. Way better than what originally stood here. Now go and play it again. Only now with better loot!”
Player: “Do I get to skip the story?”

Now, whoever read through that. Kudos for being determined! And thanks for the heads-up, Summerglow and Penski 🙂

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